How to put ‘mom-guilt’ behind you forever

When I had my baby boy, I was determined to be the best I could be for him. I felt like since I carried him in my belly for 9 months, I should never need to ask for help from anyone – instead, I should be able to be full-time mom along with all of the other roles I was already playing – after all this was the way nature wanted it so it couldn’t be all that hard right? The first few months after our baby was born, I hardly ever asked for time out for myself and when I did, I felt so guilty doing so. My mom and husband would push me to take naps or go for a walk and I reluctantly would – yet part of me felt like I was failing as a mom when I did this. After we moved back home from staying with my parents and my husband went back to work – there was no one around me during the days to swoop in when they saw I was tired and tell me to take a break. Instead of communicating my needs, I decided I would go full throttle into new mom mode. I took my baby everywhere, walks, lunch dates with friends, I even began working out in the living room with him while he was laying beside me on his bouncer. This is all normal for any new mom. The problem is I really was starting to feel increasingly disconnected with myself. After a few months, I felt like I had become a shadow of myself and I found myself becoming resentful. I finally confronted my husband about it and his response was shockingly simple. He said, “You’ve never asked for time out. Just ask and I’ll take over.” All I had to do was communicate what I needed and I could have it. It sounded so simple, yet I had never thought to do it because it felt like I was shrugging off my duty as a mom.

Mom-guilt is common amongst all mothers and although we talk about it with our girlfriends, sisters and moms, we’ve still just accepted it as part of being a mother. However, I think that some of this guilt can be offset by tackling the societal unconscious biases that have caused this feeling.

1. The bias that in a partnership, it’s solely the women’s job to take care of the baby.
There is no denying that nature has created women to nurture their babies. However, we seem to have gotten this confused with the concept that everything for our babies needs to be done by us. Deep down, we know our spouses and close family members will take good care of our babies but we’ve convinced ourselves that letting them do so makes us neglectful mothers. The root of the problem is that we’ve forgotten one of life’s main philosophies - you can’t take care of others until you take care of yourself. Every mom needs a bit of time each day to do something she loves. Even if that means just 15 minutes to have your coffee or take a shower while someone watches the baby. It’s not wrong for you to ask for help in these moments, it’s the healthy thing to do for you and your baby.

2. The bias that a mother who takes care of her baby is just ‘doing her job’ and a father who does the same thing is going above and beyond.
How many times have you heard someone say, “oh he’s such a hands-on dad!” or “He’s so sweet for babysitting his kids for the day!” It’s not often that we hear people make the same statements for mothers. That’s because society has taught us that it’s a women’s duty to be 100% mom and there is no need to appreciate something that is merely a women’s job. What’s lost in this thought process is that mothers need to feel this appreciation the most. As moms, our bodies and minds have just gone through a huge transformation through having our babies and then we throw ourselves into giving our little ones the very best of ourselves. At the same time we strive to be great wives, daughters, sisters, and friends all while navigating the challenging yet beautiful journey of becoming mothers. As mothers, it’s on us to give ourselves credit for everything we do and teach society to do the same.

3. The bias that a mom who speaks about her challenges is ungrateful or struggling to cope as a mom.
At work, if a co-worker was to share that they are having difficulties with a project, you would likely not assume they are bad at their jobs. However, women are still shamed when we talk about the difficult aspects in child-rearing. I have many friends who’ve shared their tough motherhood moments with me and it’s always sandwiched with “of course I love my baby so much but…”. This is because we still feel guilty saying anything that may be deemed as negative about our experience of becoming mothers. There is no shame in admitting that motherhood is hard. Saying this out loud doesn’t mean you’re taking away from the sheer beauty of it. In fact, talking to friends and family about the challenges you’re going through may open the doors to some incredibly authentic and comforting conversations.

I’ve learned so much in my journey of becoming a mom and I’m excited to continue learning from my little one. In fact the biggest lesson that he’s taught me is that it’s so incredibly easy to love and that just loving him daily is all it takes to be a great mom. It’s time to throw the guilt and shame away and stop judging ourselves so critically. With their smiles, laughs and gurgles our babies are telling us that we’re doing a great job – take a moment to listen to them.