From Burnout to Balance: Navigating the Beautiful Chaos of Motherhood
When my kids were born, I told myself that I was going to do everything in my capacity to be the best mom I could be for them. I remember the days of strapping my daughter on me in the baby carrier while chasing my 15 month old son around the backyard or park. I remember pushing myself through the tired mornings with love in my heart and a smile on my face. I tried to tackle every meltdown with the emotional intellect of a therapist and the patience a Sufi. 3 years later, I’m obviously still madly in love with my kids and I’m still pouring every inch of myself into them, but I also feel like I’m scrambling to find myself more and more as time passes. I LOVE my moments with them. Yet, I’m now at a point where I also need to rediscover me.
For any mother on a similar journey, I wanted to share my experiences in the hopes that it would give you some solace from the mom guilt you are likely feeling. So this is me, on a discovery journey, exploring how to have multiple kids, take a career break, pivot careers, move across the world and ultimately how to thrive through change.
When we first had our kids only 1 year apart, I was committed to do the best job at juggling Irish twins, being the best wife, daughter, friend, sister, writer, life coach and everything else I wanted to be all at once. I pictured myself walking around town with my double stroller, a coffee in my hand and a smile on my face. This did happen, sometimes. Other times, I was on the floor of my living room with an 18 month-old on one side of my lap and a 3 month old on the other soothing both their cries and desperately feeling like I wanted to be exactly what both of them needed at the same time — and I couldn’t.
There are really hard moments and really precious moments. There are moments where you feel so grateful and moments where you feel so burnt out. That’s life and that’s how change works. If it doesn’t push you, it won’t change you. During this period I had to learn how to take a breath and tackle one need at a time. That’s all you can do. I also had to quickly re-adjust my daily expectations. We weren’t getting out the door right after breakfast, it was probably going to take us at least an hour to do all the diaper changes, feeds, pack the bag for two tiny beings, prepare for the weather and — oh right — brush my own teeth. When things change, we need to pause, give ourselves a break and re-adjust.
Secondly, I needed to pull back a little from my social commitments. This is a tough one because you definitely need your support system as a mom. I was so lucky to have my family close by to support me (they fueled me) and close friends that I could vent to. But I had no energy to go out for dinners every weekend. I wanted to, but really after both kids were asleep, I just wanted a bowl of ice cream and a good show. That’s okay. It’s important to understand that phases pass. So if in your current phase you need some space, that’s okay. You need to take care of yourself and refuel before the demands of the next day creep in.
With the above said, don’t forget to also talk to people about what you’re going through. I have a tendency of retreating into myself when I’m trying to process something big. I did this after having both my kids and after moving across the world. I needed the time to get quiet with myself and process what was happening. That is completely understandable, but also make sure you come out of your cave every once in a while to connect with someone you love. It’s important. It will remind you that there is a world outside of you and that people want to be there if you let them.
Finally, if you are in a challenging mom phase just know that all you need is love and all your kids need is love. If the activities you prepared don’t go perfectly, or the lunch you made gets spit out. Remember it’s not personal. Give yourself some love and pour some love into your kids. It doesn’t matter if it’s not according to what you heard on social media or what someone else is doing. Neither you nor your kids are going to remember every detail in the day. You are all only going to remember how you felt. So cuddle up with them and read a book while you have a coffee, don’t worry if you’re late for school drop off, pick up or if you have to cancel on a plan. Just breathe, love yourself and your family through it and everyone will be just fine.